It was Monday Morning and raining in Morehead. My head was pounding from the late night I had spent doing homework and my complete exhaustion had made me sleep through my 7:30 alarm. I checked my phone to see my lock screen full of text messages, emails, calendar alerts, and various other things that demanded my attention. Everything in me wanted to scream: “IT IS 8:00 AM ON MONDAY LEAVE ME ALONE”. I rolled over and slept for another hour.
Exhaustion is something that I have been feeling lately. Gnawing, overpowering exhaustion. In fact, that feeling of exhaustion has been a consistent feeling through these past two years. These two years have been a sprint. One that has required much of me but has also given me much. Still, the sheer exhaustion I feel so often is surprising to me and it’s something that I have been thinking about lately.
For the past two years the goal has been to take as many classes as possible, do as much as possible, and learn as much as possible. Because of that, sleep often times got cut out of the picture. I pushed myself to graduate with as many honors as possible and to make the most of my unusual and exciting opportunity. I honestly believe that I accomplished this. But the pace I set for myself and the excellence I required of myself is not something that can be sustained. I have stopped sleeping. I have stopped reading. I have stopped doing the things, things that have no traditional educational value, that I love.
I find myself at the end of two incredible years. Two years in which I have learned more than I ever thought possible. Two years in which I have traveled across the world and across the state. Two years in which I have accomplished more than I ever thought I would. Two years in which I have grown more in my faith than ever before. Two years in which I have made relationships that will last me forever. And I am grateful. I am so incredibly thankful to have had this rare and wonderful platform, but I am tired.
I am tired of the pace. I am tired the feeling that I am running out of time. I am tired of being so close and yet so far away from everything that I want. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of being out of control while simultaneously being completely in control. I am tired of crippling expectation. I am tired of being different.
I am ready for this next stage of my life. I am ready to transition. Even though I am staying on the same campus, I am so incredibly excited and I am full of hopeful expectation. I am ready to be in complete control of my education, to be fully immersed in my majors, to fall completely in love with the subjects I am studying. I am ready to spend late nights in the library, cursing my life and loving it all at the same time. I am ready to be involved in the campus ministries and in my local church in a way that I was not able to before. I am ready to find my passions, to be spontaneous, and to continue on this path.
I am ready to jog not sprint.
I am ready to fly.
I am ready for my exhaustion to fulfill my expectation.
Do not get me wrong. I know things will not be perfect when this transition comes. The exhaustion will still be real and present, but I will at least have some control over it. And please do not think that I am in anyway ungrateful for my experiences and opportunities. These past two years have been fantastic, amazing, more than I could ever have hoped for. But there is a time for all of us to move on with our lives. This is my time.